The Gift of Being Heard

March 1, 2018

In this age of extraordinary technological advances and accelerating change, our ability to effectively communicate has diminished severely. This is partly because we are not equally focused on sending and receiving messages. And we don’t listen in a way that demonstrates that the other is being heard.

Despite the many powerful ways we have to connect, our ability to do this well has suffered. Think about how often you text when you really should talk. Or you choose email when you should call because your message requires some back and forth discussion.

Every new technology has to find its ideal purpose and this usually takes some trial and error. Remember when people faxed in their pizza orders? Just because we can text or email, doesn’t mean we should use them constantly and expect success in our communication.

As I wrote in a previous post, these “asynchronous communication vehicles have become the default way for far too many of us to interact with others.” Texting, emailing, and tweeting are all very effective for sending information. But when it comes to topics that are sensitive, require establishing trust or back-and-forth discussion, using the phone or meeting face-to-face is best.

We have become so focused on sending our perspectives, thoughts, feelings, selfies and the latest emojis that we are no longer as receptive to the other side of the communication equation: receiving. While we may feel confident that the content of our message was received, perhaps not the full sentiment.

However, when we can equally focus on the receiving end of a message, we can begin to engage in meaningful dialogue. We can enable true reciprocity. We can immediately see and/or hear the impact our message had on the receiver. And we can immediately respond in a way that effectively continues to move the conversation forward.

When you experience a communication breakdown in a message you initiate, it could be due to the receiver being confused or misunderstanding your intention because you’ve chosen the incorrect medium. If the receiver of your message can’t accurately interpret what you intended, the communication can fail—often miserably.

One reason is that we make a lot of assumptions in our interactions with others, and these assumptions often get in the way of successful communication. With texting and emailing, assumptions are more challenging to combat due to the fact that verifying them requires more back and forth that can seem to slow down the conversation. The nuance of effective communication—even for the most gifted writers—is often missing in text-only communication.

Being a good receiver in communication means you provide the sender with the gift of being heard—very difficult to do via text and email.  And this gift is all too rare these days. If you are able to give it to others, you will be appreciated and likely gain respect from your colleagues and affection from your family and friends.

One of the benefits of calling or talking face-to-face is you can immediately check on assumptions in order to eliminate any anxiety or confusion. You are also likely to pick up non-verbal clues based on tone of voice, facial expressions and body language that can help you determine whether there is congruence between what is being said and how they look and act when saying it.

Don’t underestimate your intuitive power of reading the sender of the message. You are able to pick up many things above and beyond the words. And this is missing in your texts and emails—no matter how many emojis and photo attachments may be included.

Communicating better requires you to become a better listener. This means really focusing on what the other person is trying to communicate. Whenever possible, ensure discussions that warrant it are face-to-face or by phone, and then provide the other person the gift of being heard.

The Humble Leader

February 9, 2013

Is it possible to be a strong leader, yet remain humble? I contend that strong leadership, in fact, requires humility.

When you think of humility your first inclination may be about being meek or timid. This should be revised because when it comes to leadership, humility is about maintaining pride in your achievements without the arrogance. It’s about having a quiet confidence without needing to be boastful.

In practice, humility in leadership is about listening well, admitting when you are wrong, and highlighting others’ strengths and accomplishments above your own. These are the core elements of being a humble leader.

When business leaders truly connect with employees, customers, shareholders or suppliers they are demonstrating their humanity. And that humanity is grounded in humility.

But you can’t fake humility because it requires authenticity. You are either interested in growing and developing or not, and other people can tell whether or not this is true. The more secure the leader, the more humble he or she can be.

Humility in leadership includes:

Listening Well
Listening well means being fully attentive with all your senses and not simply preparing to respond. The humble leader first seeks to understand what is spoken and also what is unspoken. This requires suspending the desire to solve a problem and instead to first fully understand what is being said.

A conversation where each person is able to be acknowledged and fully heard enables creative solutions to be uncovered. It enables the opportunity for reflection and deeper understanding.

Through better listening, the humble leader can also model this behavior for others to also begin doing. Learning can then take place on only in the immediate conversation but also trickle throughout the organization.

Admitting Mistakes
As a humble leader, you also recognizes your own shortcomings and weaknesses. You are able to acknowledge when you don’t know the answer and when you’ve made a mistake.

This is because acknowledging one’s mistakes is about being authentic. Making yourself vulnerable by showing that you are not perfect enables others to see you as more human, and this humanity translates directly into humility.

Humble leaders actively seek out the advice and talents of other people in order to grow. This receptivity to others’ input enables leaders to open their eyes to their own limitations as well as new opportunities that otherwise might go unnoticed.

When a leader is comfortable in admitting mistakes and seeking the counsel of others, he or she demonstrates this humility.

Promoting Others
Humble leaders never fail to promote those around them. This means regularly acknowledging the accomplishments of others privately as well as publicly.

In his book Good to Great, Jim Collins describes how great leaders look out the window when things go right and look in the mirror when things go wrong. This requires regularly giving credit rather than taking credit. It is also in direct contrast to the many egotistical leaders promoted in the media who command so much of our attention these days.

Legendary Alabama football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant was once asked how he got people to win so many football games for him. He said that he always told his players: “If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes semi-good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it.”

This self-confidence in highlighting others above and beyond oneself reveals strength of character and true humility in a leader.

Finally, humble leaders are life-long learners and not willing to rest on their laurels. They are constantly growing and demonstrate to those they lead that this need for growth, which involves making mistakes, as well as uncertainty and false starts are normal and expected in the organization. This learning attitude produces followers, which enables the entire organization to focus on growing and improving.

Humble leaders continually learn to listen well, acknowledge ignorance, own up to mistakes, and promote others. These traits demonstrate humility and that delivers great leadership.

Listening Into Others to Gain Influence

January 30, 2013

No matter what line of work you are in, you are likely seeking ways to be more productive and successful. And, regardless of the profession, how effective you interact with and influence other people can greatly determine your fate.

That’s because it is all about relationship, and relationships should always be about the long term.

We now live in a world that no longer tolerates disconnected forms of influence. Spam filters help block emails that are unrelated to our wants and needs. The stereotypical used car salesman is seen as merely comical and not taken seriously by anyone. Shotgun approaches to marketing are considered a waste of money.

Social networking, among other things, seeks ways to connect people and then influence them based on their connectedness. This connectedness means having your virtual friends’ influence what you do, where and when you do it, and especially how you spend your money.

Whether this is good or bad is not my concern. What I am interested in is how important this connectedness is with regard to our ability to influence others.

In a new book titled, “Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In,” authors Mark Goulston and John Ullmen discuss how, in this post-pushing and post-selling world, influence should no longer be seen as something you do to someone else to get what you want.

Real influence isn’t even about what you want. Instead it’s about forging strong connections by focusing on other people’s viewpoints and giving something away before asking for anything in return. And always seeking win-win outcomes.

This seems to be a new paradigm that’s sustainable and good for everyone.

Goulston and Ullmen offer many tactics to learn how to do this, but the one I think most important—regardless of whether you’re trying to influence someone or not—is by improving your ability to listen to others. Easier said than done.

According to the authors, there are four levels of listening:

  1. Avoidance Listening – Listening Over
    This type of listening is when you may be nodding or even saying “Uh huh,” but you’re not really paying attention. Your mind is elsewhere and the other person is feeling ignored despite your best efforts at appearing to be listening.
  2. Defensive Listening – Listening At
    When you listen defensively you are taking things personally and are too quick to react. You listen at others by taking issue with everything they say without taking the time to consider what is being said.
  3. Problem Solving Listening – Listening To
    Listening in this way is about getting something accomplished, which is a perfectly valid way to listen when the situation demands it. However, when the subject is especially complex or emotionally charged, this can leave far too much room for misunderstanding. You are separating the subject from the speaker and losing that perspective, which is so important to consider.
  4. Connective Listening – Listening Into
    This is the type of listening all speakers crave. It is about listening with the intention to fully understand the speaker and also strengthen the connection. Connective listening is listening from their there instead of your here. It means listening without an agenda focused entirely on responding or helping.

I can think of many examples when I engage in the first three levels of listening. The first two I am not proud of and still struggle to avoid. Problem solving listening I do perhaps most often because I am so anxious to be productive and get something done.

But I know that when I listen in a connective manner is when I truly understand what is being said. I am giving my full attention and listening not only with my ears, but with my eyes, my heart and my body. I am also strengthening the relationship because I can feel the connection being forged.

To gain influence requires a continual focus on the long term, on the relationship, and on giving away something first. More often than not, this begins with your ability to engage in connective listening so you can truly understand their perspective and needs.

Influence should no longer begin with a self-centered perspective focusing only on the immediate opportunity. Instead, look at gaining influence in a positive and authentic manner that strengthens your connections with others for the long term.