As a child I was encouraged to make friends, play sports, learn new things, and generally have fun while expanding my awareness. As I entered my twenties and thirties, I found many people tend to hunker down with what they know and what was familiar. Why don’t we maintain an interest in making new friends, playing, and constant learning?
Rather than continue to grow and learn, we often sink more firmly into our thoughts and beliefs without seeking to update or rethink them. The internet makes confirmation bias readily available and therefore it’s easy to stay rooted in what was (or never was) rather than what is.
While social media promised to bring us closer together, few would argue it has done so. In fact, in many ways, rather than social connection, I believe it contributes greatly to our collective isolation and loneliness.
And just last year the surgeon general declared loneliness an epidemic with particularly deleterious effects: “The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.”
Continually reaching out for human connection is vital because that’s what keeps us from social isolation and loneliness. Though it becomes harder as we age, I suspect there is a yearning for strong friendships throughout our lives. And while many may focus on one’s spouse and/or other family members, these relationships can be greatly enhanced with friends.
For younger adults struggling to make friends maybe boardgames are the answer. Perhaps as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, younger people are now seeking game nights both in their homes as well as in public places where they can have more intimate relationships than social media provides. They may be moving from video games back to analog board games because there’s greater human connection.
Whether it’s chess, backgammon, Mahjong, CATAN, or Rummikub, Millennials and Gen Z-ers are seeking alternatives to simply drinking together in bars.
And there’s plenty of research confirming that solid friendships outside of marriage strengthens the bond with your spouse and lengthens your lifespan.
A 2020 study in the National Library of Medicine noted that “having friends in old age is linked to higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction.” For those 65 and older, “encounters with friends” throughout the day were more pleasant and “associated with fewer discussions about stressful experiences,” compared with encounters with romantic partners or family members.
Furthermore, in the famous Grant Study that followed 238 Harvard-educated men beginning in 1938, the happiest participants regularly:
- Called others
- Made lunch and dinner dates
- Sent notes to friends saying they were proud of them or wanted to help them shoulder sad news
- Engaged in many conversations over the years that brought them closer to others
Another finding was that financial success depended on the warmth of relationships, not on intelligence. And according to a 2023 summary of the Grant Study: “Through all the years of studying these lives, one crucial factor stands out for the consistency and power of its ties to physical health, mental health and longevity. Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.”
And in many cases, those relationships were established and nurtured, via long and intimate discussions.
Attempting to make new friends at any age is not without risk, but then there is no love without risk either. As the writer Anais Nin wrote: “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
Take courage to reach out for human connection. Reach beyond social media and stop staring at your phone in the presence of others. Engage fully with others in the real world and in real time. The result may very well be a happier and longer life.